My Conversation With Sean Penn About Marriage
Hey Sean Penn— Fun dinner together the other night in Malibu, right? You may have forgotten, but I was the gal sitting twelve or thirteen tables away in an entirely different part of the restaurant. We...
View ArticleMy Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion I Poop Soup
Dear Gwyneth: Boy, that V-steam was fun. Okay, confession alert. I didn’t actually steam my vagina. I went to make an appointment, but then my vagina started to whimper and ask why it was being...
View ArticleWhy So Sullen, Kanye?
Dear Kanye- Loved seeing your performance at this year’s Grammy Awards, or was that the rehearsal? I saw the one where you were singing over a flashlight wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. I have that...
View ArticleMy Breakup Letter To Uber
Hey Uber— When I first started using you, I was admittedly skeptical. I white knuckled it through each ride, sure the driver was going to chop me up into a thousand pieces and shove me in the trunk. Or...
View ArticleTo Kim Kardashian Who Says She Has Sex 500 Times A Day
Like Hey Kim, First of all, you should know that I’m not writing to be catty or bitchy. You’re a Mom now and Moms should support each other not tear one another down. So just know that I’m not writing...
View ArticleMy Letter To Eva Mendes Who Thinks Women Wearing Sweatpants Cause Divorce
Hey Eva: In general, I’m prone to writing kindly written letters to helpful celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow who have made it their life’s mission to make the world a better place. I...
View ArticleThanks Lululemon For Letting My Husband’s Balls Breathe
Dear Lululemon, First let me apologize. It’s been a while since we’ve been in touch. I had written you a letter a while back expressing my gratitude for your line of yoga pants that seemed to be...
View ArticleA Plastic Surgery Intervention For Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Star...
Dear Brandi- You should know that I live by a strict code of rules when commenting on others. Those rules include a basic tenant that no one should comment on another person’s looks. We look how we...
View ArticleMy Application Letter For Gwyneth Paltrow’s Private Club
Dear Gwyneth: I just heard the news! You’re expecting. You’re having a private club! Congratulations. You’re going to be opening a private club on Sunset Blvd. where the Hustler Store used to be. If...
View ArticleThank You Gwyneth Paltrow For Giving Me Permission To Yawn
Dear Gwyneth- I always wonder how my mother raised her children in a pre-Amazon.com world. Seriously. How did our moms do it? What with the having to go the store herself and planning ahead? I look...
View ArticleWhen Kids Hate Their Presents-A Letter From My Children
Dear Mom- You were right. This Hanukkah thing isn’t half bad. Sure, we had a hard time with the “We’re Jews so we don’t do Christmas” rule you randomly made despite living in a city filled with bacon...
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